Poisoned. Poisoned!!! 30 years of being poisoned. And I was so poisoned that I didn’t recognize it even when the answer was right there in my face.

I asked my mom to read the book in the 90s. I had read it, and it made a lot of sense. It’s All in Your Head by Hal Huggins. I was kind of hoping she would recognize the symptoms in me and offer to pay for me to have my fillings replaced with a new nontoxic material. To safely remove mercury amalgam fillings is expensive. The process of drilling releases a potentially crippling amount of mercury vapor into the air. So safe removal is crucial, otherwise your condition can get a lot worse.

I think my mom figured it was a waste of money.

I shrugged off my disappointment. I was constantly looking for validation and approval from my mom, and sometimes I didn’t get it. Pushed it to the back of my mind. I was 28. The nearest mercury safe dentist was 2 1/2 hours away. I already had a pile of debt. Other than the headaches, my health wasn’t that bad. I hate having dental work anyway.

But the migraines got worse. Over time, I learned how to care for my migrainous body using herbs, how to ease it with bodywork. I got better at reading my symptoms and working with them. I learned to make healing teas, tinctures, salves. My herbs help my family, even the cats. They palliate my symptoms and keep me out of the doctor’s office, off the drugs. But they don’t heal the migraines. All I can do is adjust my routine. Over and over. I learn some more, I make an adjustment, I take a new herb, life gets a little more tolerable. Then I feel worse. I learn, I adjust, I avoid things that make me sick. I eat well and live a healthy lifestyle. But my overall condition continues to steadily decline.

Around 2005 I started to sense the electromagnetic field of my computer. In 2012, another new problem appeared, Multiple Chemical Sensitivity— in my case, a debilitating sensitivity to artificial fragrance chemicals. Mainstream culture doesn’t understand MCS, so you have to be careful how you explain yourself with this condition. “Perfume allergy” is how I describe it to Muggles. Technically, it’s a white lie. Sensitivity is a nervous system overresponse. Allergy is an immune system overresponse. Why lie about it? Because if you’re sensitive, well, you’re just too sensitive. Get over it. But if you’re allergic, that’s a bona fide health condition that Muggles believe and understand.

I used to love dancing. Now I can’t be in an enclosed room with someone wearing a scent— and someone always does at a dance. When people start sweating, it permeates the air. I immediately feel a migraine coming on. And if I don’t find my way to fresh air very quickly, it’s likely I’ll spend 2 or 3 days in bed, in pain. Perfumes, air “fresheners”, scented shampoos, detergents. They all render me unable to function. And public life is filled with them. I became more and more reclusive as the years went by.

I am the proverbial frog in a pot of water. You gradually turn up the heat and the frog doesn’t realize it’s boiling to death. You feel crappy, you find something that helps, you adjust. I thought I was just constitutionally made this way. Some people are just more sensitive, right? I’m a hypersensitive, low energy, can’t go out in public person. It’s who I am. This is what it means to be in my 40s. It’s because I ate that cupcake. It’s because I drank that beer. It’s because I ate garlic. It’s because I suffered trauma in the womb, because I suffered abuse as a child. It’s because Neptune rules my 6th house and is opposite Saturn, because my 4th ruler is in my 12th. I’m just one of those sensitive people.

Because I am poisoned? That did not register. Until that Wednesday in mid-February. A few weeks before, something turned the volume up to 11 on my already annoying tinnitus. And there’s a new clicking sound in my left ear. It’s intermittent, like a cricket chirping or a phone ringing. So I sit down with a cup of tea and start Googling. A page mentions mercury as a possible cause. I investigate further. Oh my gosh. I discover, mercury very neatly explains every one my symptoms. Migraines, MCS, electrosensitivity, chronic fatigue, PMS, difficulty concentrating, infertility, anxiety. All of them are linked to a poisonous heavy metal implanted in my teeth that has been spewing highly toxic mercury vapor for 30 years.

Holy shit!!!

I find a link to a book. I download the sample to my Kindle. I decide it’s worth $10 for the book. And I read.

Holy shit!!!

It’s a first person memoir, a story of falling very ill, being told by the medical establishment that your condition is incurable, you must either take medications the rest of your life or live with the pain. You do not take the “magic beans” and you do not give up on yourself. You keep searching until you find the answer. You make some mistakes along the way. In the midst of that, you find the right information, the right resources, the right helpers, the strength to heal. That is Danny Forsyth’s story. It resonated deeply with me, and it moved me to action.

What a revelation that my problem is not some intrinsic weakness. I have an illness— an illness that has a cure!! I cried tears of joy for what lies ahead and sadness for the 30 years that I have carried this demon, the Mad Hatter. I didn’t know it, but the Mad Hatter took my brain quickly after the fillings were placed, when I was about 8 or 10. The psychological symptoms tend to be the first to manifest: emotional volatility and fragility, angry outbursts, anxiety, social problems. And I had those in spades as a kid. Spades. I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I thought I was a screwed up person. I mourned those 30 years of damage. When all this time there has been a cure. A cure!!! The grief subsided and the joy returned.

Saturn trine Pluto in my birth chart. I am a healer by nature. Mercury in Aries – even with my damaged brain, I still love to learn, and I do it fast. This is a perfect project for me, and I mobilize quickly. I buy more books. I do more research. I start crafting a plan. I interview dentists. I find one who understands how sick I am and will take my fillings out using mercury safe protocols. I buy supplements. I order a lab test. I consult with three herbalists. Logistics are challenging right now with mercury in my brain. But I am going to exorcise this Mad Hatter. I am ready.

Half of the toxic fillings came out on March 5. The rest come out this week, on March 27. But the journey to regain my health is only beginning. Watch this space.