Neptune square Neptune
2013-2014 are my Neptune square Neptune years. The planet of dreams, illusions, spirituality and psychic sensitivity in the sky checks in with its location in my birth chart. The square angle between them points to difficult times, facing problems and obstacles.
I already knew a lot about the Neptune square Neptune transit as I was going into it. I knew it would be time to look fear in the face and let go of the past. I knew I would be extra sensitive. I knew that I would shed certain illusions about myself and my life. I also knew that difficult transits don’t deny you the goodies. They just tell you that it’s going to be a lot of work to get to the goodies. So I expected all of that.
What I didn’t expect was to heal wounds that I had believed were permanent. But that is what I started doing in August. This week, as that healing journey continues to unfold, I began the process of grieving something precious and sacred that was taken away from me long ago.
The inner work it takes to heal the trauma of child abuse— it is not fun. At all. Revisiting those experiences is not easy. My stepfather destroyed my confidence and my sense of safety in the world. I’m understanding how, at seven years old, I had to figure out how to cope with life when I no longer felt safe. Patterns of unresolved trauma that were stuck in my nervous system showed up as depression, anxiety disorders, selfish behavior, a hair trigger temper, and 15 years of regular migraines, which are pretty commonly seen distortions of Sun in Aries energy.
I am letting go of the belief that I held for so many years, that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. I’m learning that what I have suffered is a classic example of a post-traumatic stress response. Realizing the enormous price I paid for a sadistic man’s amusement stunned me. It brought on a tidal wave of grief and pain that pulls me under again and again.
As much as this process sucks, it’s equally overwhelming in its awesomeness. I know that addressing this pain is a crucial step on my karmic path, and that releasing it means I am evolving. I’m doing the inner work that I was born to do.
- 26 September 2013
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